Today it rained, one of those good cold rainy days that I sometimes crave, maybe because my mood is a little gray or because I secretly don’t want to wear makeup and leave the house. It’s about to get dark. The church bells are tolling behind our duplex off Belmont, and the rain is trickling steadily outside the open window as I sit on the couch wrapped in a green pashmina, wondering why I am feeling this way.
I had good moments and bad moments today. I was alternately lost and found. I had an interview at Trader Joe’s that seemed to go excellently. I showered. I did some freelance work and did a phone interview. In those times I felt I had found my freedom from corporate captivity and created an alternate universe for myself here. In between was when I felt very very lost. I felt like someone who has been released from jail and has no idea how to function when out from behind bars. There is nobody telling me what to do. I don’t have mandated hours and lunches. I don’t have to sit still. It produces a forest of very confusing decisions. Should I vacuum the floor, throw in a load of laundry or organize a shelf? Should I make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? Should I go to Fido? Should I order a duvet cover online? Should I go for a walk? Should I bake bread? Should I fluff the green pillows on the couch for the 100th time knowing that they will just get squashed again as soon as Erik sits on them? Should I blog? Should I go to Kroger? Should I be feeling slightly depressed at the many options I’m facing? Surely not. From there, it’s a slippery slope into despair over not coping better with change or not having insurance and the sad fact that my bottom retainer fell off yesterday and quite soon, possibly, my teeth will become crooked.
What is wrong with me? I think it’s that everything unfamiliar, even little things, are frightening and that I am not feeling very brave. I know that I have the responsibility now to order my life around the things that matter to me and handpick what I spend my time doing and where. I can create structure for myself, with little stops throughout the day to take in beauty, and that is what I have longed for.
So I say to myself, Courage! Stick to the desire that wheedled you out of corporate America into a life of freelance writing, going on long walks down Belmont Boulevard and listening to rain. Everything will fall into place. The rhythm will come. You will learn when to wake up and when to go to bed. You will learn to be married in the town where you and your husband met. One day you’ll walk on the bridge where you got engaged and feel all the feelings that you felt then. You will finally get unpacked. You will not be depressed. Rainy days won’t be rare occurences.
So glad you stopped by my stream of consciousness, aren’t you? I just need a hug or something.
I took a bunch of pictures of our cross-country road trip and I will get them up here soon.
