This Advent season has been filling me with a sort of achy longing. I just long to get outside my body and my all-too-normal life and float up into the starry night and rediscover mystery and prophecy and the folklore of a messiah that feels like the perfect fairytale even today. I want to pretend that Jesus hasn’t been born yet and reimagine the whole thing in my mind. That meditative state is difficult to capture in modern-day America, but I get this feeling that it’s going to slip away completely after the new year.
This is a special Christmas because it’s my first Christmas with Erik, our first Christmas married. I want to make it magical. I need to do that without money.I’m not really the type to cut snowflakes out of paper or anything like that, and I looked up frugal ways to decorate a Christmas tree but the thought of stringing lots of popcorn together or making gingerbread ornaments seems way too hard. I want to read a manual about how to make your first Christmas together a wonderful memorable experience without having to make crafts. Like, does anyone own a reindeer farm? Or where is there a store that carries only gadgets that 29-year-old men will like? I wish I could knit us matching stockings but all I can see myself producing is a legwarmer. Maybe if I dress up like an elf or bake a lot of cookies? I mean, what is the secret?
There are some practical details that need to be ironed out as well, such as exactly what time will be spent with my family and with Erik’s mom and how to be fair and all that. I am actually kind of looking forward to the long drive back to the Midwest because I think it will give me a chance to contemplate Advent.
Last night was the first snow. This whole week has been rainy and cold to the point that I haven’t done any work to speak of and sleeping has been my activity of choice. I have always been affected by the weather. Living in California I didn’t have to worry about that. Being back here I have become reacquainted with seasonal affective disorder, which is pretty common and starts with it getting dark at 4:45. Blah. The only good thing about that is that it makes our house seem even more bright and warm and cozy. It’s fun to look out the window at the snowflakes and smell dinner cooking.
Hello my love! I just had a great ‘ole time catching up on your blog. Let me tell you, I miss you. I wish I could come over and share some spaghetti with you. Know that I think you’re so wonderful to be doing what you are doing right now – not just freelancing, but trusting God. And I don’t mean that in a stupid “I’m-so-holy-because-I-used-to-facilitate-our-Bible-study” way. I’m saying it out of my appreciation for you doing BIG things, even when they might be a touch scary.
Love you friend. Oh, by the way, it gets dark here at 5 pm, so you’re not missing out on much anyway.
)
Ohhh…”seasonal affective disorder”…that’s what I have.
It IS happening… you are experiencing the s.a.d. Don’t give up the “fairytale”. I just love your blogs. You are real and it shows. Love, Dad