Thoughts on Growing a Human July 16, 2009

This is from my journal the day of my first Dr.’s prenatal appointment.

Today I saw a picture of my unborn child on a screen. I also heard his heartbeat and found out he was a boy. It was one of the strangest and coolest days of my life. I was so relieved to hear the crazy little thump of the heartbeat and when I saw the tiny little thing that is LIVING inside me, with his huge head and little waving arms and legs, I was awed and amazed. I have nothing to compare it to. The whole experience was miraculous and weird and significant. I am not sure how to process all I experienced today. I know that it seems a lot more real now. I feel more at ease and more confident that I did not just make the whole thing up. I kept thinking every time I took a pregnancy test, that I wouldn’t be pregnant, and I would get in trouble for lying or something. Seeing him in there, just growing and completely carefree inside my stomach, oblivious to me and to the outside world, was a strange feeling. It justified everything I have been feeling over the last three months, which isn’t a lot really… just tiredness and more tiredness.

Do I have a lot of fears about doing this? Yes. But I know that it is time for this, and it’s right that it’s happening. I know that I am equipped on a basic level to bring a new person into this world, even if I’ve never done it before. It’s part of what I was created to do, so now I am fulfilling part of my God-given purpose even if I have never wanted to have a child. Oops! Did I say that? Well, I truthfully have never hit a point in my life where I wanted to have kids. It might have happened when I turned 30 next year. Kind of happy it was decided for me though.

Kind of think I might decorate with elephants. My friend Jeannie suggested Babar.