If you’re like me, you’re always looking for little ways to add inspiration to your daily life. I recently did that by making my homepage the Design Sponge design blog. Seriously, that has made my life exponentially richer, just from looking at all the beautiful, quirky, ornate things they post throughout the day. One of my very favorite sections is the Before and After. In it, people take old ratty chairs, dilapidated houses, plain, boring bedrooms and junky “found” furniture and transform them into something completely new. Just looking at the pitiful Before picture and then scrolling down to the After picture gives me a small, secret thrill. And what I’ve wondered as I’m ogling those gorgeously recovered chairs and sparkling rooms is, do they do people? Because I want to be a Before and After. I want to be one of those old pictures, and then one of those new pictures. I’m not talking about the haircut that I happen to really need, I mean a real below-the-surface redo. A kind of drywall-ripping, dust-flying redo.

In my Before picture, though, I think I’d be an old mustard yellow couch. If you know me at all, you know that I battle a lot of personal demons. As a result, my cushions would be worn and flattened from heavy, unwelcome visitors like guilt and fear. My arms would be deeply scratched by the claws of my vicious pet, shame. My originally vibrant color would be faded from years of sitting in the hot sun of criticism. And my legs, though made of tough oak, would be scuffed from dragging myself down. I would obviously be only fit for the curbside, probably not even Goodwill. Yet, in the next picture, the long-awaited “After” picture, my appearance would be drastically altered, even unrecognizable. My cushions would be overstuffed with acceptance and plump with confidence. The scratches and fading would be lovingly covered with a rich, colorful, patterned material, even more bright and spunky than I thought possible. My legs would be sanded and refinished with kindness, so that they looked like brand-new baby skin. I would even have some lovely decorative pillows resting against my arms, happiness and contentment. Oh, how I want to be that couch. I believe in the restoration of furniture, why not of me? The only problem (said so well by Anne) is that you can’t rush transformation. I can’t hurry up the recovering or the re-stuffing or the sanding of my heart, as much as I desperately want to. I can hope though, that one slow recovered button at a time, I am being made into my After picture.

I am in an ongoing battle with myself: Should I or should I not sign up for Twitter?

(This is for you, Erik, lover of Twitter and passionate proclaimer of its virtues.)

I realize we are in the 21st century. I realize I own my own business. I realize the importance of networking. I realize this is just the way the world works today.

I’m not a purist or a traditionalist, per say. But I’m also a shy person who hates talking about myself. So the idea of trying to talk about myself several times a day, in pithy soundbites that make me sound cool and smart, gives me hives.

Also, I hate the atmosphere of inequality that Twitter sometimes, not always, but sometimes, promotes… it’s kind of a have vs. have not mentality. Let me brag about what I have, who I am, what I’m doing, etc. Like “oh, I have the best group of friends.” “I’m working on this super awesome project.” “I’m pretty much living my dreams.” When I read people’s Facebook status updates, sometimes I’m like, are you trying to make me feel inferior? Maybe I’m just insecure. But it always makes me feel like I “have not,” and I never get the impression that people are interesting in sharing what they have.

For instance, if I were to say that last week I interviewed Jon Foreman (which I did and I’m squirming because I just said that), I would totally feel pompous and unnecessary. I do get to do cool interviews from time to time and review interesting music and books and inform the general public about oh, how to avoid an unwanted kiss or how to help your children avoid obesity, so that could potentially be something I Twitter about. But I just don’t want to. It makes me feel slimy.

Help me get over this, Twitterers. Help me become Andrea 3.0.

This is from my journal the day of my first Dr.’s prenatal appointment.

Today I saw a picture of my unborn child on a screen. I also heard his heartbeat and found out he was a boy. It was one of the strangest and coolest days of my life. I was so relieved to hear the crazy little thump of the heartbeat and when I saw the tiny little thing that is LIVING inside me, with his huge head and little waving arms and legs, I was awed and amazed. I have nothing to compare it to. The whole experience was miraculous and weird and significant. I am not sure how to process all I experienced today. I know that it seems a lot more real now. I feel more at ease and more confident that I did not just make the whole thing up. I kept thinking every time I took a pregnancy test, that I wouldn’t be pregnant, and I would get in trouble for lying or something. Seeing him in there, just growing and completely carefree inside my stomach, oblivious to me and to the outside world, was a strange feeling. It justified everything I have been feeling over the last three months, which isn’t a lot really… just tiredness and more tiredness.

Do I have a lot of fears about doing this? Yes. But I know that it is time for this, and it’s right that it’s happening. I know that I am equipped on a basic level to bring a new person into this world, even if I’ve never done it before. It’s part of what I was created to do, so now I am fulfilling part of my God-given purpose even if I have never wanted to have a child. Oops! Did I say that? Well, I truthfully have never hit a point in my life where I wanted to have kids. It might have happened when I turned 30 next year. Kind of happy it was decided for me though.

Kind of think I might decorate with elephants. My friend Jeannie suggested Babar.

A very unfamiliar thought has been appearing in my mind recently. 

I am happy. 

When that thought comes into my head, I’m frankly unsettled. Maybe because the feeling or thought isn’t associated with anything in particular, and it’s more about a state of being. It’s not that I’m happy about the fact that I got free head shots taken today at Cannery Row (although I did) or that I ate really good pepper and tomato soup. It’s just the thought I get when I’m sitting in a chair on my front porch, and I see how the trees in our yard have filled out with beautiful, thick greenery in a matter of a few rains. I have this bizarre thought when I am laying next to my husband in bed, ready to fall asleep, and I can feel him breathing next to me. I have this thought when I contemplate the fact that I have a lot of freedom and free time in my life now (comparatively), and I have more choices about what I spend my time doing. I think, so this is what being happy feels like, and I realize that maybe I am just now approaching a place where I give myself permission to experience this feeling. I don’t know much about it. I’ve not been happy on the inside much, or a happy that’s not related to how well things are going for me. Usually when I get too happy, I try to shoot it down with one of my negativity darts. Safer that way.

In this manner, of course I can quickly dispel the happies by thinking about things like our debt. But I don’t want to dwell on those things more than I have to. I guess I realize the value of choosing mental battles. I want to give myself a chance at being happy, which is a lot trickier and more elusive for me than you would believe, if you have been happy more often than not in your life. 

Sneaky little feelings of happiness are all I can ask for these days.

I read Jeana Sohn’s blog on a regular basis, and I borrowed this quiz from her because it’s a slow rainy day and it so inspired me. I love Jeana because I feel that her life embodies the concept of everyday extraordinary. She’s an artist who finds joy in the smallest things: a piece of fruit, her cat, a new table. And it’s so refreshing. Plus I can tell that she and her husband really love each other.

What is your current obsession? 
the Twilight series, the blue jay and the cardinal that live in my yard, thinking about our anniversary trip next month, CookingLight.com

What are you wearing right now? 
A pair of really old black dress pants, a red sweater, denim jacket and silver shoes 

What is the perfect day to you? 
Waking up really early and enjoying the peaceful morning stillness, eating a crispy bagel from Einstein’s, going to the spa, going shopping, going on a romantic date to a trendy restaurant with Erik, hanging out with close friends, having a few drinks and dancing the night away 

Who was the last person you hugged? 
Jeany Perry, the Pilcher accountant, who by the way has the best skin I’ve ever seen on a 50-year-old 

If you were a tree, what tree would you be?
silver maple or cherry tree

What’s for dinner? 
Twice-baked salmon potatoes (thank you Cooking Light!) 

What was the last thing you bought? 
peanut butter crackers from the snack machine, paper towels 

What are you listening to right now?
Danyew—I’m writing a review of his record 

What do you hear right now?
Cars driving by in the rain

What is your favourite weather?
blue skies on a warm spring day

What’s on your beside table?
A black wrought-iron candle holder, green candles, a pale green dish with perfume, chapstick and Elizabeth Arden lotion

If you could have a house totally paid for, fully furnished anywhere in the world, where would you want it to be?
Nashville, in Hillsboro Village

Favourite vacation spot? 
I love the steaminess of Florida or camping in the Smokies, or anywhere I’ve never been. Now that I no longer live in California, I bet I will like to vacation there too. 

Name the things you can’t live without. 
snuggling with my husband, lip gloss, eyeliner, Hudson jeans, my Mac, our Tempurpedic bed, and getting my hair cut/colored (I really, really tried) 

What would you like to have in your hands right now? 
enough money to buy myself a spray tan and a new outfit 

What is your favourite tea flavour? 
Vanilla and chamomile and Trader Joe’s pomegranate white tea

What would you like to get rid of? 
Our debt!!!!, my laugh lines, my fear of spiders, anxiety, digestive issues, scoliosis 

If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go?
To Skinsational spa in Carlsbad for a massage, a facial, a pedicure and a body wrap 

Who would you like to get stuck in a lift with? 
Anne Lamott