It took me 13 times, but I finally figured out what Britney Spears’ new song “If You Seek Amy” is really saying. I had been puzzling over it for quite some time (Who is Amy, and why are they seeking her?) and feeling annoyed because I knew there was something more to the song that I wasn’t getting. Well…I get it now, and it makes me want to clap my hands over the ears of anyone under 10. Basically it’s a poorly disguised, Mad Gab version of the F-word. I wish that Britney would have more class, but why would I expect her to change her head-shaving ways? Maybe because I heard her dad is making her read the Bible for an hour a day. But I did hear that she went with the “Amy” song trying to get the edge on bad girl Katy Perry. You can find lots of “Amy” news reports featuring irate parents online, so check it out!
Meals on Wheels March 10, 2009
When I got back from doing Meals on Wheels today, I was sad. I was happy that I got to give meals to people who need them, but today I delivered in a low-income MDHA housing project, and what I saw made me sad. It was like being plunged into a different world, a world that for many seniors, consists of a room with a chair, a TV and/or a bed. It reminded me of the Michelle House, a residential facility for people with HIV/AIDS that I volunteered at in California, because when you go inside, it’s like you leave behind the great wide world and enter into the shrinking existence of someone who has a terminal disease.
One man had had a stroke, and his hands were like claws. He couldn’t use his fingers to write. He used to be a skycap for United Airlines, and his eyes twinkled. I got him a cup of water. Another woman’s face was deformed. She told me her name was “Old Ugly Martha.” Yet another man couldn’t walk or get out of his chair because he too had a stroke. His house smelled really bad. But all of these people were nice and sweet. Last week I had an old man in a wheelchair with really long fingernails open the door a crack, snatch the meal out of my hands, and shut the door before I could really even see his face. But everyone was friendly on my route today.
I wish I could make their lives better and their worlds bigger. Giving them a meal doesn’t seem to be enough.
Longing February 26, 2009
My wise spiritual director recently told me to keep a record of the longings of my heart and present them before the Lord. The reason is that many of our longings will not be met on this earth, by our husbands, jobs or families. When our longings are just that, empty holes, we kill them in order to not feel the pain and emptiness. But longings aren’t meant to be numbed, and we aren’t meant to be numb people. Anne says it’s important to know exactly what you long for and to tell God about it. He might surprise you by fulfilling your desires at some point, or he might just help you keep those parts of yourself alive.
Lots of stuff is useful for numbing us—alcohol, drugs, busyness, shopping, relationships. I’ve tried them all, minus the drugs. I ask myself from time to time whether I am numbing myself by taking antidepressants. I hate these expensive pills but at the same time I love them. I’m ridiculously grateful that they keep me from falling into deep, dark depressions. But they also keep me from really feeling deep sadness. I mean, I still feel sad, and I cry sometimes, but I don’t feel what I call the sadness of the world, the wretchedness and injustice and loneliness and sorrow that is everywhere. I cannot, of course, begin to really feel that, but I do have the curse of being extremely,unhealthily empathetic. Sometimes I cry for people in nursing homes, or for abused children, or for abandoned spouses. I don’t usually do good things with this empathy though (though I do volunteer at nursing homes or deliver meals on wheels). I just fall into despair. It’s rough. And so antidepressants keep my sadness at bay.
But while that’s valuable, it’s no secret: I don’t want to feel sadness. Even though I once foolishly prayed, “Lord, let me feel everything.” The idea behind that was that I would experience everything in life more deeply and richly. But deep, rich sadness? I don’t want it. I have felt it most of my life—I have done sad. So whether or not I need to stop numbing myself is a matter I will have to think about.
I’m sure of one thing though—we must not kill our longings. I mean, the ones that we hate because we can’t force other people to fulfill them and they leave us feeling pathetically weak. For example, I long for affirmation. You could never affirm me enough because I will always need more. I long to feel beautiful. I long to know my dad’s side of the family who has never been involved in my life and who did not come to my wedding or send me a card. I hate these longings because they are like parts of me missing. Holes, big empty holes.
But, people, please don’t kill them. They are longings for things that are good, some divine. I’m not talking about a God-shaped hole inside us because even when we know God, we still long for many things. But if I take my longings to God, after I face what they are, he can lead the thirsty one to the waters. He will make sure we do not labor for what is not bread. He will keep those parts of us alive and burning. I’m pretty sure longing is part of being fully alive.
Random. February 19, 2009
Yikes! It’s been so long since I blogged that they changed the whole interface! I don’t even recognize my control panel!
So I have the flu right now, and I have been creeping around the house this afternoon folding laundry and cleaning the bathroom. I can’t really stand up straight, but Erik comes back tomorrow and my friend Holeigh from California also comes for a visit, so I’m trying to get the house ready. I ate some potato soup but nothing else sounds good at all, and I’m starving. I guess I’m feeling kind of sorry for myself. Can you tell? 
Random other thoughts: I’m liking the sound of this $8,000 tax credit the government is offering if you buy a house during 2009. I think Taylor Swift’s music kind of sucks. I need some new crock pot recipes.
How to save money in the bathroom December 16, 2008
If this seems like a weird title for a blog post, I suppose it is, but I’ve been thinking about writing on this topic for a few days now. As I’m sure I’ve made abundantly clear, money is tight for the Willitses right now. So we have been cutting corners where we can, even where I thought there were no corners to be cut. One of those is my skincare products. If you would have told me a year ago that I would no longer have my extensive skincare regime, I assure you I would have laughed in your face. However, ever since I ran out of my alpha hydroxy facewash a month ago and had no money to buy more, I have come to adopt several of my husband’s products that I saw in the shower every day but completely overlooked. These three products work equally well for me as a woman. If you find yourself in the same financial bind, you might want to reach for these unisex favorites.
1) Nivea for Men Energizing Face Scrub
The scrubbing particles are not too large or too harsh, and using this scrub daily really achieves a surprising softness and buffs off all the dead skin. It foams up really well actually and stays cold on your skin for an instant, leaving you with that refreshing feeling that is so important to men. It doesn’t take off my eye makeup too well but overall I love it.
2) Axe Snake Peel Body Scrub in Desert Minerals
As the commercials insist, this Axe stuff does smell wonderful. And it lathers up quickly, exfoliates your entire body and prevents any nasty bacne. I was freaking out when my organic Nature’s Gate body wash ran out, but now I thoroughly look forward to using Axe.
3) Irish Spring Micro Clean bar soap
On the days I don’t use Axe Snake Peel, I use my husband’s bar soap with exfoliating microbeads. It smells so fresh you won’t even believe it. I prefer it to Dove or any of the more expensive feminine brands. And soap gives you an all-over clean feeling that you just can’t get anywhere else.
Save money, ladies. Use your husband’s bath products. You won’t be sorry (except when he finds out and yells at you).
